Herstory

laughing with ---regina spektor

2009-08-03T17:28:00.001-07:00

Laughing With - Regina Spektor

truthworm

2009-07-23T21:54:00.000-07:00

its unearthed
its naked and its squirming
its not dead
its not even close

Who told you that this was all there is?

2009-04-06T23:06:00.000-07:00

http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/2009/04/512-thinking-youre-naked.html>

don't call & don't write

2009-04-02T19:49:00.000-07:00

jax was great. but i feel...off since my return.
back to work... that's routine.
but i can't help but feel something is off-kilter.
i find out from upenn next week...
my sister returned to chicago while i was away
i am trying to figure out this damn life of mine...
with grad school and plan Bs and switching car insurances.

sometimes i just want to get in my car and drive away.
and not come back
and not leave a forwarding address

Passion Pit | “Sleepyhead” (The Knocks Rmx) at EastofLA.com

...

2009-03-19T20:55:00.000-07:00

i heart birthdays.

my story

2009-02-23T23:41:00.000-08:00

the moral of the story:

flattery will get you nowhere
but persistence will get you everywhere.

the hustle.

2009-02-20T19:36:00.000-08:00

see more pwn and owned pictures

writers block

2009-02-08T16:58:00.001-08:00

This is no time to have a brain fart:(
I cannot think of good, solid ideas/examples.

Name a problem you have overcome?

Name a contemporary social problem....?

shoes with wheels

kool aid with too much sugar

ritalin....?

I DON'T KNOW. I AM FREAKING OUT. This is my way out of Cleveland. I can't mess this up. This is no time for writers block.

unbreakable

2009-02-02T17:49:00.000-08:00

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.
--breakable//ingrid michaelson

one of my kids told me today she was thinking about committing suicide.
these are the times I feel completely inadequate.
I have a savior complex a lil' bit.
I want to save everybody which is why I became a social worker in the first place.
I want a save her.
I talked to her mom who is more concerned about what others might think then, the well-being of her daughter.

And I am sick. Your daughter is asking for help. And if she dies her blood is on your hands because you were too damn embarrassed.

I am ill. So, in one regard there is utter disgust.
in another, relentless hope.

the heart is a muscle and like any other will stretch and adjust to the amount of weight and pressure put upon it.

I am not afraid that I am not cut out for this [job, career, stress]
I am afraid that I am.
My heart does not break. It will not shatter. It will go on pumping blood and... bleeding out compassion for the broken ones.

J-O-B

2009-01-27T15:39:00.000-08:00

please describe your current job.

I do EVERYTHING.

and if you need your car washed. I do that to.

and if you are under 13 years old and need a punchline

I'll be that, too.

I will write the last page of your grant and not take credit.

I will check out books from the library for your child's report.

I will file your FAFSA

and buy you a snickers bar

and never complain...

until now.

2009-01-25T19:37:00.001-08:00

His atonement for being a bad boyfriend is being a better friend.

[not] waiting for literacy

2009-01-22T18:06:00.000-08:00

I gave you a love letter

...but you don't know how to read!

so i must leave b/c it is far easier for
me to go and find someone who can read then,
to wait for this fool to be literate.

my boy, brett & the taste of ice cream

2009-01-15T19:24:00.000-08:00

given my fairly recent break-up i have been listening to a lot of whiny crooners that overly express their [often unrequited] love.

Their love follies...no one can help, but at least we can hear & most definitely in my case...empathize.

It makes me feel as though there are passionate people [most especially men] in the world that aren't stuffing their feelings in their pocket. That aren't afraid [atleast in song] to say the sappy shit...like "I will be the one who loves you the most"

or...." and I've been waiting all this life/ in the company of one/ and I know I am young
but I don't want to be alone"

or " I only wanted to be closer to you/i thought i had something to prove..."

I love this kid. I don't know him. But honest words put to music are hard to come by these days...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know much about love. Not much more than what I'm told. And that's fine. But I imagine its like a flavor of ice cream I have never tasted. People can describe it to you...tell you its the best. But its description does not compare to the taste.

2009-01-15T09:49:00.000-08:00

You ever have one of those days?

...where every song that comes on the radio is telling your story.

first song: am i making the most of my life?
second song: you don't understand. i'm waiting for my real life to begin.
third song: i gotta get out of this town.

they all seem to be true. i talked to this guy here about it. he said it was so bad in the place [city] he was he thought he had missed God.

I never thought I had missed God when I decided to come back home. I felt quite the opposite, actually. I thought is I left prematurely or for the wrong place and ignored "His will" [its in quotations b/c I don't really know] I dont know I thought I 'd end up in a big fish, Jonah-style. I didn't want to be disobedient, but I didn't want to be unhappy either. And I couldn't for the life of me figure out which was more important obedience or happiness. The right to the pursuit of happiness is in the Constitution, but it isn't in the Bible. Not that we should suffer always, but we should be prepared to suffer.

But I am bleeding out. I am tired of being a living martyr and what I leave in Cleveland is not much more than what I came with. I leave failed relationships and mediocre churches and many disappointments. Home is supposed to be safe, not suffocating. But whether it is the appropriate time to go I believe God has left the door unlocked for me in a passively permissive sort of way. I feel as though this time in Cleveland was supposed to play out differently but its of no consequence now. Now, I am leaving [for real this time!!!]. With grad school comes a chance to skip town for good reasons...for adequate reasons. Reasons no one will question maybe not even God...

not even the slightest

2008-12-24T00:54:00.001-08:00

If there was a chance. There isn't any now.

...damn kids

2008-12-09T15:31:00.000-08:00

I am incredibly motivated and driven but I am also human and have good and bad days.

This was a bad one.

happy thanksgiving

2008-11-27T19:52:00.000-08:00

I pour out all the sand in my hand
And make beaches where oceans have met.
And if you bring your sandals then, I’ll tuck my boots in
we could prepare for our journey
yes you bring your eyes and I’ll bring my wit
we would be ready for anything.
But don’t forget your heart, babe.
We’ll need it for such a long trip
You’ll sweep the hair out my eyes
And I’ll kiss your lips
We would be ready for it all

Don’t get lost babe
I brought the map
From here to our happiness
Don’t get lost babe I said I brought the map
And X marks the spot.

My hands are open
My hands are cold
And you’d give the sun a run for its money
My heart is open
The world is so cold
And you’d give the sun a run for its money

Make the effort
Make the time
Fashion it in your hands
Go ahead, babe
Give it a try
Its not so hard to love

Its so easy
Why won’t you comply?
My eyes are so tired of crying
You say you’re not ready

No one ever is
It’s just life, babe
Give it a try.

moving

2008-11-23T21:02:00.000-08:00

New apartment and I don't have a bed...or a toaster...or a couch.
New apartment and I think its a pretty crappy one.
New apartment and I think I chose a crappy one just so I could say I had a crappy apartment one time before I moved up to the eastside...y'know like George & Weezy?
New apartment and how did I not notice the fridge wasn't clean or that the old school heater sounds like a rodent weeping?

I used to love new things. Trying something new [pre-graduation] was a bit like falling with a safety net. Trying something new after you graduate is about like falling and without the safety net you realize there's jagged rocks and alligators to break your fall.

New isn't fun & light anymore...like trying calamari before you found out it was squid.
Trying something new is like, fuck, did I pay my electric bill? Did I budget for groceries or did I eat out 12x last week?

Awwww...yes

"new."

Kim is

2008-11-01T13:10:00.000-07:00

not asking him to be perfect, but merely asking him to be present. all there.

confession

2008-10-22T21:55:00.000-07:00

i am willful and naive. bad combination.

love...

2008-09-27T18:30:00.000-07:00

can be so boring.

old and

rehearsed

a middle child

no sisters

so polite

so attentive

another gentleman

a fragrance that smells

so good

to him

again.

hypnotized

2008-09-03T16:19:00.000-07:00

and
i was surrounded by a language
in which i could say only

"hello"

and

"thank you very much"

but you spoke so I could understand...

-ani difranco

this is a non-worrying zone.

2008-08-26T15:35:00.000-07:00

I need to stop worrying. I mean, we know the deal. Not one day is added to our lives by worrying...and yet that doesn't stop us.

What are we stupid or something?

Maybe its our need for control or our compulsive desire to examine and re-examine the outcomes and consequences of our actions and others.

But none of that matters.

Each day has enough trouble of its own without being fixated on things you can't change.

So, what are we gonna do?

We're not gonna worry about it.

[and when I say, "we" I mean, "me"]

I have a new car!!!

2008-08-23T13:51:00.000-07:00

Not the one I was describing in the previous post. Those crazy people at Nissan scrapped the deal with some funky numbers.

BUT I just got a sexxy brown 08 kia sportage. Her name is Coco. She is the younger, prettier half-sister of Tula, the 98 black jeep grand cherokee, I used to drive.

I love it. Its been a long time coming. I gotta go. I am gonna go drive it right now.

stop the madness

2008-08-21T18:33:00.000-07:00

so, I have this thing. where everything is greener..elsewhere. I am just about to buy a car. I am so close its disgusting. I have been looking consistently for about 2 months. I almost signed the papers on the deal. And I just freaked out and said I'd sleep on it. The car is beautiful--belleza. Completely. Its used-gotta clean carfax. Black-30,000 on the dash, gets good MPG.

Did I mention its gorgeous. I scoured the car for every little imperfection. I was meticulous. I think at one point I sat in the trunk. And while I was implementing my meticulous inspection I saw a married couple admiring my car.

I said, "Yeah, isn't it great? I'm picking it up tomorrow."
Even though I had doubts about it. I wanted no one else to have it. NO ONE.
So why not just buy it?

a little thing called commitment. what if i find something better? theres always something better somewhere. and i just can't accept that there's something better somewhere else and I don't have it.

a better car
a better job
a better boyfriend

i am constantly looking for the next best thing. i have blogged about this before so consider this the addendum. but could I really believe that what I have right now isn't the best but it makes me happy. That I could be this weird thing called, "content."

i found this one.

2008-08-03T21:27:00.000-07:00

its unfinished like every poem i write...

The difference between birds and stones.

I was a bird
light.
Spreading my ethereal and whimsy
with each press of my wing
I was the length of beauty
my own wingspan of capability
I was the beginning and end of all my possibilities
my hope carried me
And on endless dreams I soared
::edit::
I was a stone. Heavy and burdensome. I fell on the dream.
And under the weight/ crushed all its potential.
And turned it to dust.

my theme song

2008-07-12T17:19:00.000-07:00

This is the start of a journey.
And my mind is already gone
And though there are other unknowns
Somehow this doesn’t concern me.

But I’m going on
And I’m prepared to go it alone

new[ness

2008-07-12T17:12:00.000-07:00

on the other side of that glum post.

i love the possibility of what could be. in fact, i like what could be better than what is.

i love interviews.
i love first dates.
i like the first day of school.
i like traveling to new places.
i love that first single of that new band

i love anticipating new and different things.

the possibilities and many outcomes.

so, on with the newness...

I have a job lined up here in Cleveland but I am also straddling the possibility of being in Chicago and taking my friend's former position. I could do it. I could love it as I already love Chicago. And it could be great. We'll see..

we are the same.

2008-07-12T16:56:00.000-07:00

you & me.

we're the same.

we're strong.

we are the same strong.

we are cut from the same stone.

and we feel the weight of our lives.

but it does not crush us.

we will not die.

i left my job yesterday. not abruptly, it was 4 weeks coming. and if we want to get specific-it was longer than that.
but i left my children, too. my precious children. I had been there almost a year and I had seen many come & go.
And I did not think I'd feel this way. But these kids burrowed their way into my heart.

And I must say I got a little choked up. I think things like this hit me until the very end. I had 4 weeks to let go and it still hurts. I love my kids and I will miss them very much. I just didn't know how much.

waiting

2008-07-07T18:14:00.000-07:00

I have been reading this book called waiting. I borrowed it from my friend Glenn. It just about jumped out at me amidst the cluttered bookshelf filled with borrowed, stolen, free and a few bought books.

He asked me, "Are you waiting for something?"

He was joking, but he was right. He IS right.
I am waiting.

I rarely read a book that speaks to EXACTLY to my situation.

but its does.

its saying some radical things to me about how happiness is a gift and not a guarantee.

and i can't imagine anything better than my own manufactured happiness.
Even if God wanted to give me something more.
I think I trust myself more which is horrific conclusion to come to since I have been a self-professed Christian since age five.

I am in a wretched place simply because I feel when I picked up that book...I really picked up a mirror and its a rotten image I see...

we were wrong

2008-06-01T10:23:00.000-07:00

...so unbelievably wrong.

and you're okay with that.

i don't know if i ever will be.

finally...

2008-05-29T18:33:00.000-07:00

finally!

heart explosion

2008-05-27T18:42:00.000-07:00

i feel like my heart's going to explode and my insurance doesn't really cover that...

one week

2008-05-26T16:47:00.000-07:00

after this week i'll feel so much better...
or so much worse.

mas

2008-05-24T16:13:00.001-07:00

my newest love

2008-05-24T16:05:00.000-07:00

meet asha ali

things change.

2008-05-24T15:59:00.000-07:00

Is it customary to feel like this?

I feel like my heart is about to burst.

I don't want to make it any more than it is.

But we can feel it in us.

Moving around-swimming in our souls.

something meaningful and weighty.

2008-05-16T20:05:00.000-07:00

Did you see me?
It was me driving off
I pretended I didn’t see you
I wanted you to see my back
The shape I take as I leave you
And go toward my own ambitions, hopes and dreams
This is me leaving you.

completely and utterly resolved

2008-05-15T18:34:00.000-07:00

after a great and lengthy pity party. I am utterly resolved. Anyone he knows me *knows* I hate being here. Further, if you know me you *know* that my heart is in Chicago.

And that's where I'm going.
If there was any doubt in my mind. Its absolutely gone.

Anything that makes me *this* unhappy is not worth sticking around for.

and I'm tired of crazy christians telling me I'm called here.

I'm not.

I'm not staying.

If you like it so much, you can stay.

things you didn't ask me

2008-05-14T20:01:00.000-07:00

but that I'm going to share anyway.

I have these compulsive desires to say completely inappropriate things [like 98% of the time].

when I am lonely, I like to read aloud to myself.

i hate being interrupted.

I probably think I'm smarter than you

I am surprisingly honest if asked the right questions, in the right sequence under the right circumstances.

my favorite type of omelet contains spinach and tomato

I am currently on the brink of moving into rural ohio [wtf?]

If Chicago were a man I would be deeply involved in a torrid love affair with him

if ever asked what I am thinking it is either something too painfully superficial or too philosophically self-indulgent. Neither are ever disclosed to the inquirer for those reasons.

I'm a little bit of a music snob, [food snob, snobby snob, etc.]

...But I love Journey and their 80s rock ballads.

I think everyone should read more

and I judge you if you watch a lot of television

I feel like in my old age [the twentythreeness] I am slowly but surely losing my ability to dance. //pop, lock...and drop it?//

I secretly think of lopping off my long hair. Because I think people like it too much.

I am going through a "prissy" phase [nails did, hair did...ALL the time] to compensate for the lack of sincere and meaningful relationships in my life right now.

Nobody really knows how much I hate my job.

And I have probably waited way too long for anything significant to come from this

it's been awhile.

2008-05-09T17:15:00.000-07:00

i am happy today.

he makes me

so

incredibly

happy.

btw i'm famous.

2008-05-07T18:39:00.000-07:00

http://blackgirllonghair.blogspot.com

into the wild & eyes on the prize

2008-05-07T17:22:00.000-07:00

i received into the wild today off my netflix queue

its about this overly-brilliant emory grad who after graduation decided he's had enough of modern society and all its "things." He burns all his identification [license, ss#, credit cards etc.] and sets out for the great unknown-to make his own adventure, I suppose. He burns all his remaining cash, parks his junker in the middle of nowhere, gets out and just walks.

the question i have and you may have,too, is why?

it seems a bit, well, MUCH. A little excessive, overboard you might say? But it's funny because these same words could be used to characterize our modern society, as well.

Now, you don't have to worry...I'm not gonna set out north to the great beyond.

But, I get it.
I know that we're apart of a generation [us and our into wild character, too]. we're cut from the same pale, bland stone. And we are desperately trying to figure out who we are and we take stabs at it occasionally. But we're only guessing. I feel strong, I mean I am strong. But how strong am I really? I am only as strong as my experiences and how difficult have they been? Some of us have been tested more than others and by no means am I trivializing anyone else's struggle.

But, as for me...as an american living in the 21st century. how good have i got it? or really---how little have I been tested?

for those of you who don't know i'm a counselor
:::thank you, thank you no applause please, I do it for the kids:::
and during meal time we make the kids watch a video series on african-AMERICAN history because most of our kids are black and don't even know when black history month is [you probably don't know either]. And on a sidenote: Yes, its shameful and its all of our faults [but some people more than others]. Anyway, we make them watch because as masters of their reeducation we exercise supreme authority [or something].
Anyway, the clip today from the series featured the Black Panthers some badass motherfuckers who decided [among other things] that they would NOT idlely standby and watch an overwhelmingly white police force abuse their people and terrorize their neighborhoods.
As you can imagine this didn't sit well with police and many an altercation did end in bloodshed.
One such young soul...was only seventeen years old and lost his life in a breakout of violence. He was only 17. I say it again because it bares repeating. Did he know that the last cause he would stand for would take his life? Did he believe it was worth dying for? Did it even matter now that he was dead? What was his last thought as the bullet pierced his chest? Is this the ultimate kind of test?

I can imagine what I would die for. I would hope that in a situation I would choose correctly-rightly [whatever that is] but I don't really know. I don't think our young panther knew either. But I'd say he had considered the idea. I mean, considering the turbulent times of the day and being a young, black, angry, hopeful, [over]confident dreamer. You had to consider dying. Or consider living for something worth dying for [which ever way you look at it].

I just wonder in all our guessing, hypothesizing, estimating...are we even close to who we think we are. Or will our deepest fears be confirmed? That we are not even close to who we say we are-that we've missed the mark entirely.

la poema

2008-05-06T18:05:00.000-07:00

warning: if you're guy and you're immature and stupid and no one has told you about women's "icky parts" you probably won't be able to stomach this [cos' you're stupid].

to my womanhood:
i know that when a man loses his pride he is emasculated, but what of a woman and her pride? Is their no phrase for a woman and her pride which is equal if not more than a man's. can we not give it a word seperate from the man's

to my womanhood
I raise a cup
full
7 days worth of blood
more than a mans
seven times over
seven time the twelve months and the four seasons and the twelve years since my youth

to my woman-hood
the coiled hairs
my breasts
to the softest
smelliest
parts of me

to the brittle nails and split ends...
to my womanhood
to the heights and depths of me
to my pride as my own
not rare, not unkind, merely mine.

bibble

2008-05-06T17:57:00.000-07:00

someone asked me today...
what person in the bible would your character most resemble?

i don't really know was my response.

but i think...i was probably a minor prophet, one that nobody listened to until long after they had died.

or maybe i was Paul, something abhorred like a killer of Christians before his conversion and after?

made the most sense outta everybody.

not gentle, not tender, not what I expected

2008-05-06T17:34:00.000-07:00

he's not good enough.

but whose good enough?

2008-05-05T21:10:00.001-07:00

she works hard for the money

2008-05-05T20:36:00.000-07:00

i don't know how everybody else feels...

but i cannot stand being disrespected...by men...at work.

nobody cares about you or your ego so, just stick it back in your pocket.

2008-05-03T13:40:00.000-07:00

did we want it all?

yes, we wanted it all.

---------------------------

sometimes the most complicated people want the simplest things.

ALL the simple things.

what about your friends?

2008-04-14T19:56:00.000-07:00

in the prophetic words of TLC...

i haven't got many these days...

well, at home anyway.

it seems so bizarre that i would have to pick up the phone and dial another area code to hear the voice of someone who remotely knows me.

in a lot of ways seeing an old friend is like seeing a mirror. you almost forget certain parts of you until you see your reflection again.

for my birthday i went to chicago and we were out at my favorite diner for some late nite eats... i ordered a tuna sandwich and ending up picking off half the stuff that was on it and poked and prodded it with a fork until it was almost unrecognizable.

my friend steph remarked, "i almost forgot how awkward of an eater you are."

"what?!", i responded. all this time i had thought my awkward eating habits were a new occurence some horrible symptom of post-graduate blues but noooooooooooo...

i've always been an awkward eater.

this isn't new ... it just feels new because there isn't anyone to witness it and say, "are you kidding me? remember when you used to make those disgusting wraps at SAGA?"

this note isn't so much about my horribly awkward eating habits as its about people who...TRULY know you and all your absurd little quirks and then moving to a place where nobody knows you...nobody knows you at all...

sunday morning

2008-04-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

i was prophesied over at church today.

it was the most sincere and legitimate thing someone has said to me...in months.

god bless cleveland

2008-04-12T14:18:00.000-07:00

i went to the lake today.

it was beige.

the big q

2008-04-11T18:35:00.001-07:00

a very big question on my mind these days when it comes to women and their respective men is...

what are we going to endure?

what are we going to take?
how much can we stand?

what can we tolerate?

what-are-the-deal-breakers?

skipping stones

2008-04-11T18:30:00.000-07:00

you wanted to show me how great you were

and i wanted to show you myself.

i'm not [t]here.

2007-12-10T22:26:00.001-08:00

i should really stop watching all these quirky ass movies because i feel as though my life is now competing with them.

who can be the weirdest.

i just watched a film, "i'm not there" a non-linear,bio-flick about bob dylan. or should i say bob dylan[s]. it made little to no sense but had I not had the worse day of my life and a cranium-splitting headache I could have endured the 2 hours plus but i found it to be too much for the usual after-work pizza and a movie routine with my cousin, Rita.

it was absurd. and my life is already absurd i don't need anymore absurdity purely for entertainment. i already feel as though my life is non-linear with events clearly happening out of order. now, all i need is a few more characters coming out of the woodwork claiming to be myself.

write it all down and don't leave anything out.

2007-12-09T22:35:00.000-08:00

i have about 12-13 journals. I have been writing...documenting my days since I was about 9 yrs old when I received my first journal as a birthday present.

"what do you do with it?" i asked my nana [grandma]
"well, you write what you do in it."
"that's it?" i responded, perplexed.

my first entry:

I ate a grilled cheese sandwich today at nana's house.
i played sonic the hedgehog on my SEGA.

i found it hilarious that that was the beginning of what would be many journals to come. I journaled throughout middle school and sporadically in high school. i hadnt written in a couple years when my would-be mentor [ a professor at wheaton] began encouraging me to write again.

i came into his office one day as I did just about every week. And he had a whole shelf of thin booklets. when I asked him about them he sheepishly responded, "journals, i guess." and that is when it began...
he said, "this may sound sacrilegious but, I have always considered these books the third testament. there's the old and the new, of course. and those are the stories of god's faithfulness to His people throughout history but, the third well, the third is ours. His faithfulness to us as individuals. It is our story of His faithfulness. It struck me so much that I began writing again and never really stopped since...I have 4-5 journals just from college alone which i love because it reminds me how stupid i am-how human i am... and how loved i am.

"I have to pray!"

2007-11-27T21:59:00.000-08:00

, he screamed. today would not be a good day.

i am so utterly heartbroken for my kids.

for those of you who have seen me in the last couple months [face to face]

i am full of stories. i work with behaviorally challenged kids [understatement of the century]. they're the kids that slap their principals, make bomb threats and put their fists through glass windows. yes, i tell LOTS of stories. they never end because they never stop doing shit. and every now and again we have to make restraints. you know take a kid down for fear of harming himself or other people...usually other people. i HATE it. no one takes pleasure in it...it traumatizes them. it re-traumatizes them. they have flashbacks of god knows what physical and sexual abuse and its traumatic for all of us to witness. it is often the closest we get to their real life horror.

it hit me today. as much as this boy is a liar and a pervert. he's also a boy-a hurt boy and i love him.

you only get a stanza.

2007-11-27T21:56:00.000-08:00

i pour my heart out
into a paper cup
-its not full up-
its still half empty
its still half empty

how to get over someone or something [but probably someone]

2007-11-11T21:48:00.000-08:00

step one: decide at 1 on a sunday afternoon that hardwood floors would make you bedroom beautiful.

step two: rip up carpet and re-arrange room

step three: "misplace" your cell phone. find it, check for missed calls and "misplace" it again.

step four: book a plane ticket to new york. do not consult your planner or your supervisor. she'll understand or...fire you or she'll understand she has to fire you.

disclaimer: all or any of these steps do not guarantee that you're over "it" but it keeps life interesting.

picking up broken glass // beautiful & far away

2007-10-07T19:11:00.000-07:00

it didn't matter that you were selfish and distant or that the house was always a mess.
it only mattered that we were all together.
and though our love never kept up with the laundry or paid the bills on time
it was enough.
--------------------
i'm like the little engine that couldn't...
hard like my father and often mean
would love be impossible like one of those puzzles with too many pieces
---all looking the same & never fitting together
--------------------

and the next time i see myself i'm punching me dead in the face...

2007-10-07T19:07:00.000-07:00

i screwed up. the mature, responsible twentytwoness has been compromised.

a poem

2007-09-20T21:44:00.000-07:00

xoxoxmore soon, maybe from others, maybe mine.

i heart jermaine & bret

2007-09-13T02:09:00.001-07:00

this is more for me than it is for you.

as of today

2007-09-08T20:54:00.000-07:00

i don't know how good i am at updating...
tons of things have happened...

i applied for this job at bellefaire jcb
as we speak they are checking my references if all goes well...i should start the 17th.
i shadowed the after school program they have & loved it. I feel as though I inherited 10 boys [with anger management issues].
on the weekends [yes i have 2 jobs] I am a barista which I also love. I don't have any friends at home [but i am getting some!] And even though it'll be exhausting it'll keep me from spending all my money [no social life = shopping] it'll also be my social network

i visited chicago labor day weekend best idea i've had in a long time.
saw my friends got some peace of mind...& decided i am heading back there...not now but in a year or less.

i also bought season 2 of greys anatomy & it made my freaking year [remember? no social life]

cleveland has its downsides but...i am getting used to it.

freakish thing that happened to me yesterday & consequentially my last day at ol' slavy :
i ran into my sophomore chem teacher [a short, evil man with ivory hair]
how did i i spot him [ you might ask]
well, he was screaming at his biracial grandkids much like i remember him screaming at us for fucking with his beakers during lab.
i had an immediate flashback and when I came to he was pushing his cart full of cafe au lait kids toward my checkout.

now, i don't know what it is but i hate seeing people i know from one environment either from HS or that random community college course you took or little league [anything like that] anywhere outside of that...i HATE it. its awkward. i think someone once said its like seeing a dog walk on its hindlegs...

cue the next 9 awkward minutes of him grilling me about my 5 year plan and me trying to explain why i have a bachelor's and work at ol' slavy. [ thank GOD it was my last day].

classic moments like these are strictly reserved for those who may find themselves at home after graduation. they are definitely not for the faint of heart.

most of the time we run

2007-08-25T18:12:00.000-07:00

...but sometimes we need to stay.

I don't know. I have a job interview in NYC with Vera Institute of Justice of prestigious non-profit that does work with blah-de-blah-blah. You get the jiff I am excited or was excited.

Let me rewind...
I put in my 2 weeks notice at Ol' Slavy and I never have felt better. I think retail was killing my soul. I'm suddenly a lil' more...cheerful at work.

I put in my 2 weeks because I got an offer or a potential offer from a non-profit social service org near my neighborhood. They don't pay nearly as much as I would like but if I hang up one more pair of pants they're going to be attached to someone.

Then I get a call from this local cafe [ a place I tossed my resume at while I was the bowels of retail hell] I interview the same day...I like the guy [ the boss we bonded over sergio mendes and justin timberlake] so, I agree to work for him on the weekends. I was trying to remain vague and open-minded but I ended up eager and jumping the gun.

But wait...I have an interview in NYC in 2 weeks...so why did I agree to serve coffee here? I don't know. Suddenly, I don't feel good about it, but I love New York and they pay enough...not amazing, but enough.

But I feel like its not adding up. I may be working with what my papa affectionately calls, "known felons" on home visits...? There's something about this that makes me not want it... I'm being vague and it sounds like I'm taking ex-cons out for their birthday but...that's the thing I don't even know. Anyway, I'm done with talking about that...

Its hard to keep track of everything[ so many jobs, so much ambition and disappointment]...someone once told me the first 6 mos/yr after you graduate is the worst...and they were right.

one ticket to crazytown, please

2007-08-14T23:30:00.000-07:00

i am so angry with the state of my life right now. i am so dissatisfied words cannot express. i am an extremely ambitious person and I am used to getting what I want. Not in a "I want that gucci bag, daddy, can you please get it for me?" type of way but in a "I am going to succeed in my endeovers even if I have to punch someone dead in the face." type of way. I think I derserve everything I get and more.

If I think I deserve better I can get it. If I want it I deserve to have it. And if its mine I have every reason to keep it.
now, maybe this seems to be the mindset of some fascist dictator and not a 22 year old and i don't need anyone to tell me i have entitlement issues.

but dammit i had plans...i still have plans. but working retail is boiling up all my intellect. i have a fucking bachelor's and that means something. and i know i will eventually have a job that i can be proud of...but this is a rant [its loosely based on reality] and this ticket to crazy town is round trip so, gimme a minute.

coming back home is like going back in time. i was 22. i was an intern. a go-getter. a loudmouth who wouldn't take no for an answer. now i'm 16 again. nobody knows me or cares. i'm the girl at old navy who can't ring people up correctly and doesn't say much.

cleveland is eating me all up. atleast at wheaton i had a niche. a corner. a square inch unmarked by wheaton's pretension. not here. cleveland's cornier than ever and i don't have a spot to stand on.

the new york interview was a joke. the organization was so disorganized they neglected to give me a time in which to meet them and by then it was too late to book tix to NYC. what a waste. i don't wanna work for someone that unorganized.

i am trying not to be too desperate but what is taking so damn long?

what's new

2007-07-26T16:54:00.000-07:00

* i got pulled over 3 days ago {after incessantly bragging that i've never been pulled over, go figure}...for failure to yield. i had a whole epic post about it and then decided it wasn't that deep. i did cut a cop car off, but i didn't do anything wrong. got it? cut him off...did absolutely nothing wrong. anyway, didn't get a tix...if i see another a cop [ever] it'll be too soon.

* i'm going on vaca with the fam to the northeast...a road trip [in typical thomas family style] to connecticut, rhode island and boston. it's a relief from the monotony of job, eat, sleep [repeat].

* while on vaca, i'm gonna slip away to NYC for a job interview. i don't wanna talk about it cos I don't wanna jinx myself.

* i'll hear back next week for the adoption consultant position next week. i dreamt i didnt get the job...maybe its prophetic, maybe it neurotic. i'll find out next week.

* thinking about getting a haircut. something DRASTIC.

*paz*

ps finally discoverd the goofy fx on my MAC photobooth. please enjoy.

y'know some people say i have a big mouth.

...and a big forehead.

and an alien.

i'm a big kid now.

2007-07-18T12:35:00.000-07:00

money always eludes me. how am i supposed to be this responsible adult without it? when do we grow up? there's know notable birthdays that mark our passage into adulthood [after 18] so, when does it happen? when we pay our first bill or get our own place?
and while were asking questions...

...what happens to a dream deferred?

& then my past came running up to meet me.

2007-07-15T20:16:00.000-07:00

so, remember when i told you guys i have lost contact with a few people purposefully? well today as i left sevenoseven i ran right into 5 people from that past i tried to leave behind. not to be ultra dramatic but they were all affiliated with a church that was really detrimental to my faith & to separate myself from that...inadvertently i separated myself from them, too.

well, just as i left church this evening i hear someone scream out my name, "KIM THOMAS!" Without even looking up I thought, uh-oh. But though i have nothing in common with these people [or so i say]. it just doesn't seem right to blow people off like i did.

and then i went to postsecret & saw this:

it made me rethink all those excuses i was making...

people are just people

2007-07-09T16:20:00.000-07:00

NOTE: contrary to popular belief...i don't think i'm bitter about wheaton...or as bitter [as some people]. there were some fun times there but there were equally some VERY difficult times. but saying that, i don't think i could have gone anwhere else and gained the same valuable perspective i have of the world. did i fit in? hell no. but i think that many people [more than i originally thought] felt similarly. i think i could have done things differently [been a bit more friendly] but it happens. -fin-

now for a funny story:
i'm hanging out at my spot in coventry just outside talking on the phone and this white man in a cabana hat & hawaiian shirt [ who doesn't look a day younger than 300 yrs old] belts out, "you look like my new wife! you look great." i looked at him [thank god i was wearing shades to hide the utter disbelief in my eyes] and thought, "oh no that can't be...that's not possible." i laughed a nervous laugh and our bizarre interaction ended.

aside from that i had a lot of fun at coventry just people-watching...some random band [y'know the emo types] was shuffling all their equipment into the grog shop [ a concert venue on coventry]. there were young people, old people and it was just fun to see them all in one place. i guess thats one thing i like about areas in cleveland. they're not pretentious...old people & young people can have the same favorite spot in town. which is nice.

ps it was hot as hell today.

pps i'm stuck to the couch

never a wheatie or laying down the stones

2007-07-08T14:55:00.000-07:00

i randomly found myself on the wheaton college website and decided to take a glance at the new orientation committee [OC]. which if you don't know is very hyped on campus as they have the "prestigious" position of ushering in all the new rugrats on campus. i have a pretty good opinion of them as i loved my orientation commitee and entertained the idea of being on OC myself.

but i had no regre ts as i scrolled down the page of unrecognizable faces on the committee. you have to LOVE wheaton to be apart of something like that & since i specialize in honesty i could not pretend to be head over heels about this institution. as i was reading ea. person's blurb they have to answer silly qs like what their favorite place on campus. i thought about our tiny plot of land and was perplexed...did i even "hang" on campus? was there a hotspot [that i didn't know about]? i thought to myself, "well, i take powernaps in the prayer chapel and i'm sure duane litfin [our president] would have loved to hear that...

:::edit:::

i went to sevenoseven tonight. and i really liked it---not because they did anything unique, but because God was there. now, i have been an avid "church shopper" since my days at wheaton [ whose claim to fame is the most churches per square mile]. but i don't have the "luxury of choosiness" nor do i need it in cleveland. i just wanna go where God is.

the church had some "in-house business" to address about a portion of their team that had fallen into some sin that had proved detrimental to the church community as well as his wife and family. i don't have the nitty-gritty details but the whole staff seemed pretty broken up about it. & its worthy of being sad. but i'm glad they emphasized restoration for this staff member. i almost thought as i was sitting in the pew. are they embarrassed, as a new person to the church, do they wonder if i'll even come back? but as much as i can be an ass & extremely judgmental. i won't turn my face from vulnerability-from humility-from open & honest confession. nope, i can't do it. i have to lay down my stones like everybody else and go back home.

so i guess i said all that to say-i like the church. i like its humility & solid foundation in the word & i respect the staff. i can't wait to go back next sunday:)

ugly on a sunday

2007-07-07T10:53:00.000-07:00

for the past 4 years i have done a very good job of dropping the dead weight from life back home. that has sometimes meant people and at other times bad habits. And i don't know if that was the best decision, but i stand by it like most of the decisions i've made.

it has left me without a church community but sometimes i think that the one i had did me more harm than good.

i once told a friend of mine that if i had to go off my own experience with churches i would have lost faith in the idea of church community years ago. but thank GOD that the church is more than just people and their faithless ways.

its the one place where you're supposed to feel at home. but i have never felt more awkward than at church. sure you wanna be open & get involved & establish relationships. but i often find people's inclination toward me arbitrary or at best novel [which is prolly why i tend to be weary].

and with most of my family not attending church...i am not given much incentive [not that i should require any].
but i just think of high school and attending youth group for 4 years and i didn't feel anymore apart than the first day i had walked through the door [scared & uncertain]. & there are reasons for that---reasons that i won't get into right now [ remember? i'm not into long blogs].

the church can be so ugly but i wrote about it today to say that i looked up this young adult bible study that meets at 7:07 every sunday hence the name sevenoseven. and even though i don't know anybody & in some ways i will be shuffling through the doors like the shifty fourteen year old i was years ago...i'm not disheartened & i'm unafraid. because i'm not 14 anymore. and going to a new church may not seem like a big deal to you guys but its a big deal to me given my past.

but i'll let you know how it goes...

this is where we go when we run away.

2007-07-06T20:24:00.000-07:00

i had a lil' breakdown today. don't get me wrong i LOVE my family, but i am losing my mind. they are driving me crazy. the absurdity that is my family can only be handled in small doses. and i'm about to OD. i've toyed with the idea of going back to chicago for awhile and staying with my sister.

chicago in the summer is fun, light & exciting. but come winter in bundles up like everywhere else in the midwest. and i guess i say that to mean i have to make sure my motives for leaving cleveland are legitimate.

make no mistake if i laid out the pros and cons right now of both cities chicago would win by a landslide but i'm a practical girl [sometimes] and i need a sense of purpose to go to chicago & stay.

:::other ideas i've toyed with:::

a road trip. where? to michigan to see this pastor by the name of rob bell & a church, mars hill [which sounds like a WB sitcom but it is completely legit]. in my disillusioned days since graduation. mr. bell's sermons online are the only thing that seem to be getting through to me.
Q: so, how did i come to know mr. bell?
A: well, like all good lil' theologians he attended wheaton college [note the sarcasm]
he was one of our chapel speakers that came my freshman year. and had i known then that that would be the best chapel [ a close second: a fella by the name of mr. shane claiborne] i ever attended in my time at wheaton i would have listened a lil' more closely. but nevertheless i was struck by his relevance to the times. i think that is the most important thing a christian can be---is relevant. i believe it is the one of our biggest threats as well [atleast that's what i wrote in my final christian thought paper].
i highly recommend listening to some of his sermons online: http://www.marshill.org/teaching/index.php

anyway, i want to drive up to michigan and sit in on a sermon. i think that would be amazing.

anyway, i have this thing against blogs being too long so, i'm done.

ps i want to get back into painting too.

pps my cat is trying to eat some flowers i have stuck in a vase near my bed right now.

bawk, bawk, bawk...

2007-07-06T07:09:00.000-07:00

my dad just left a msg on my cell phone imitating a chicken. if there was any confusion this is the type of family i have...

we never take anything seriously.

what makes me happy

2007-07-05T22:59:00.000-07:00

after a horrible disillusioned rant i thought i'd end with...what makes me happy in my transitional days at home in cleveland...

flight of the conchords: 2 kids from new zealand who have their own show on HBO [sunday nights]. they are SO freaking hilarious. everything about them is absurd & slightly inappropriate [ my favorite type of humor]

random trips to coventry: an odd quarter-mile of road where i can get gelato, hear some indie bands, listen to some poetry readings, buy some used books & peruse the weirdest toys i've seen in a crazy store called BIG FUN

cleveland institute of art: its tiny. art is not exactly poppin off in cleveland but i like student art. they have a teeny tiny gallery inside the institute i used to go there a lot in high school & had a few things displayed there from some art classes i took. i once saw this huge display of a man consuming a cow but the cow was unphased and it appeared that the cow was wearing a man suit. if it sounds disturbing its b/c it was but i thought it was great commentary on consumerism. y'know basically the premise is out of our "necessity for materials" who ends up being the consumer and who ends up being the consumed.

regina spektor:
listen to: the ghost of corporate future, samson, dusseldorf, better, baobabs & bartender

arizona iced tea: i don't know if anybody knew this but this is the only thing i drank in DC on a consistent basis & is the only thing i drink now. so thank you arizona iced tea company & the state of arizona without which i might be parched right now.

this list has already turned ridiculous so i'm done.

-fin-

i'm in transition.

2007-07-05T22:24:00.000-07:00

& i am still awake SO i thought i'd do a lil' blogging. tons of things have happened i just haven't been writing them down...at all--on paper or anything! which is a big deal for me. i can't even locate my journal & most of my stuff is in boxes after being home for almost 2 mos. LAME. there's really no excuse for living out of suitcase when you're home.

HOME

but i want a home of my own. doesn't have to be big or anything it just has to be mine.

I have been working at old navy recently better known as ol' slavy. And i think that my parents would rather me atleast get a temp job working somewhere else. but i don't even want to PRETEND to drop anchor in cleveland. :::this god-forsaken place::: there is absolutely nothing for me here. Before this summer i hadn't spent longer than 2 mos. consecutively here since my high school graduation, so that goes to show how much i have invested in my hometown.

As much as i ragged on wheaton [and i don't wish i was back for a sec.] it gave many opportunities that i don't think i would have even wanted otherwise.

i was talking to the director of this adoption agency in an interview a couple weeks ago and she was very interested in all my adventures i had had [ here & abroad]. And these people just assume that you did this for college credit and a look of shock comes across their faces when you tell them. As if no one could possibly want to do something that didn't serve themselves. The same thing happened when I interviewed for this caseworker position in chicago. why is it so shocking to want to help people and to know its gonna stress you out, but you wouldn't want it any other way.

i dont know what this post degenerated into but i felt like i needed to say that.
i'm in transition....anyway watch for more frequent posting perhaps with some poems & other stuff...

PEACE

& don't forget the robo.boogie

2007-06-21T20:11:00.001-07:00

2007-06-05T15:04:00.001-07:00

a special gift from our dear friend whitney houston...

2007-06-03T13:53:00.000-07:00

happy sum-rah time everybody.

el futuro & other shit like that

2007-05-29T22:55:00.000-07:00

Y'know I've been a bit mopey lately. Not wanting to write because the same thing consumes me & 10 posts that say the same thing...well, that just ain't cool. so, whats the thing? :::sigh::: a job. My name is Kim and I am a busybody. :::collectively the crowd says, "HI, KIM."::: I guess Wheaton has trained me well. I am not a woman of leisure. I am a woman of drama, tragedy & tasteless humor, but not of leisure. I need to work until my hair falls out or find some horribly tragic cause to put my heart through the grinder for. Some gruesome schedule to propel me into the next decade. I cannot sit still...and thats what this summer has been. At home life slows waaaaaaaaayyyy doooooowwwwwwwwnn. I never spent too many summers at home & now I have little to come home to (save family, but it is enough).

I could return to Chicago, but for what? All I do is romp around but what I really want is something I can pour myself into to.

I talked to my super-ambitious friend Nicole [one of a couple people I've kept in contact with since high school] today. She'll be getting her PH.D in Soc in 5 yrs from Penn State. impressive. She always was. I can't help but be a bit envious--not because I want a PH.D but because I want a plan. But she reassured me. I've always been the adventurous one [mixed in with bouts of pragmatism] I've travelled seen all kinds of places & I can't believe I am so keen on trading it in for a 9 to 5.

I said this once and maybe I'll believe it again.

My whole life. The door is blown wide open by promise and opportunity. I could be anything, do anything & go anywhere. All I have are options and all I've got is time.

{untitled} epiphany

2007-05-22T20:04:00.000-07:00

i'm realizing that my sense of humor is :::generally::: offensive. whoops.

yes.

2007-05-19T05:40:00.001-07:00

paul klee

2007-05-18T21:30:00.000-07:00

went to the art institute yesterday and this was by far my favorite painting...

cleveland, where i hide my face

2007-05-18T16:12:00.000-07:00

I need to...go...home. I need to go home, now. chicago has become this horrible tease in which i live and yet have no job. to remain here would be a mockery to my post-grad transition. to be a moocher, a squatter in the windy city was NOT one of career goals. i must take myself home...and sort myself out.

being unemployed is SO unbecoming.

not a winner

2007-05-16T21:29:00.000-07:00

that interview kicked my ass. i arrived early by an hour a half and waited in the waiting rm until called around 130. for the next 3.5 hrs i was utterly tortured with written & oral exams---dense, dramatic scenarios in which i had to pretend to be a social worker [which i have lil' faith that i have the ability to be]. the owrst was the spanish portion. i am good at spanish...but being good at spanish and being spanish-speaking are obviously different. And all those times feeling uncomfortable...and hesistant about speaking spanish just came back to me.

i wouldn't care as much but i suffer from OVER-confidence and generally go around thinking i'm the shit and it shook my confidence a bit.

they said they would try to reschedule the oral portion...but i don't know if its worth it because if i get the job...i'd still struggle.

job-searching is a bitch.

current

2007-05-15T18:06:00.000-07:00

This week...

watching: half nelson
dying to read: bastard out of carolina
coveting the artwork of: lorna simpson
scared shitless by: 28 wks. later
stuffing my face with: jimmy john's
anticipating: grey's anatomy!

rainy, rainy

2007-05-15T17:32:00.000-07:00

so, i waited to the last minute to map out a route to my interview which is tomorrow. :::in true kim fashion::: i made the hike down to the southside via the red line [all the way to 63rd] where I then needed to catch a bus...to find the Cook Co. South location of DCFS.

i found myself in the company of all black patrons as I rode southbound [ which made no difference to me//felt like home] but it is worthy of noting because usually I find myself surrounded by a sea of white faces on the northside sans uptown.
but this is obvious. Saying black people overwhelmingly live on the southside is like stating that the sky is blue. I know the history as good as anyone else...i just wish we could change it...

speaking of idealism...this segues quite nicely into the idealist.org-sponsored job fair i attended today with grace & esther. out of the 75 organizations nothing looked enticing except a national urban fellows program [intended for those looking for a mid-career switch]. has the desperation not set in quite yet? i know what i want to do---all i have to do is find it [ i can't settle...yet// or at all]. the guy @ nat'l urban fellows was encouraging, even though I was too young to apply, he told me I was on the right track & he told me not to pay for grad school [ a hint that I could...eventually be a fellow]. sure his encouragement guarantees nothing but for a brokeass college grad a lil' encouragement can go a looooong way.

NEW STORY

2007-05-14T22:58:00.000-07:00

BTW... I graduated from WC and from xanga to blogger. new phase, some change & a new journal to boot...

ps Do I look like an adult yet???

squatting in the chi*

2007-05-14T22:30:00.000-07:00

I am staying with my sister for a couple wks...just until I have my interview [which is Wednesday]. I'm nervous because I want it so badly and this is a serious interview[ 2-3 hours long!] Apparently, the state of IL doesn't play. That's whose interviewing me IL's Dept. of Children & Family Services. It is my first face to face interview which honestly can't be any worst than my phone ones [I once missed a phone interview by an hour due to different time zones ].

Did I ever tell you I love chicago in the summer? It serves as the best distraction from imminent real world responsibilities. I have been gallivanting [that's right gallivanting] around the city visiting friends...stopping at random "L" stops to see what there is to see. I have been secretly trying to find my niche in this city... as if I'll be back here [which isn't certain].

So far this is what I've found...the Northside is overwhlemingly full of posers.
Belmont: fake ass hipsters & generally pleasant gay men
Addison: Wrigleyville is not my favorite because...well...Cubs fans are not my favorite
Diversey & Fullerton: college students & Gucci-clad bores
And then there's Uptown which holds nothing but good memories from when I visited friends in the ol' WIC apts. Studying @ the Borders...getting questionable shakes from Uptown BBQ (the greeks).
Anything North of Sheridan I have, as of yet, to have an impression [i'll let you know when it impresses me].
But I do like Evanston's movie theater but that is all the purple line has proven good for thus far.