You ever have one of those days?
...where every song that comes on the radio is telling your story.
first song: am i making the most of my life?
second song: you don't understand. i'm waiting for my real life to begin.
third song: i gotta get out of this town.
they all seem to be true. i talked to this guy here about it. he said it was so bad in the place [city] he was he thought he had missed God.
I never thought I had missed God when I decided to come back home. I felt quite the opposite, actually. I thought is I left prematurely or for the wrong place and ignored "His will" [its in quotations b/c I don't really know] I dont know I thought I 'd end up in a big fish, Jonah-style. I didn't want to be disobedient, but I didn't want to be unhappy either. And I couldn't for the life of me figure out which was more important obedience or happiness. The right to the pursuit of happiness is in the Constitution, but it isn't in the Bible. Not that we should suffer always, but we should be prepared to suffer.
But I am bleeding out. I am tired of being a living martyr and what I leave in Cleveland is not much more than what I came with. I leave failed relationships and mediocre churches and many disappointments. Home is supposed to be safe, not suffocating. But whether it is the appropriate time to go I believe God has left the door unlocked for me in a passively permissive sort of way. I feel as though this time in Cleveland was supposed to play out differently but its of no consequence now. Now, I am leaving [for real this time!!!]. With grad school comes a chance to skip town for good reasons...for adequate reasons. Reasons no one will question maybe not even God...