Thursday, May 29, 2008

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

heart explosion

i feel like my heart's going to explode and my insurance doesn't really cover that...

Monday, May 26, 2008

one week

after this week i'll feel so much better...
or so much worse.

Saturday, May 24, 2008


my newest love

meet asha ali

things change.

Is it customary to feel like this?

I feel like my heart is about to burst.

I don't want to make it any more than it is.

But we can feel it in us.

Moving around-swimming in our souls.

something meaningful and weighty.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Did you see me?
It was me driving off
I pretended I didn’t see you
I wanted you to see my back
The shape I take as I leave you
And go toward my own ambitions, hopes and dreams
This is me leaving you.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

completely and utterly resolved

after a great and lengthy pity party. I am utterly resolved. Anyone he knows me *knows* I hate being here. Further, if you know me you *know* that my heart is in Chicago.

And that's where I'm going.
If there was any doubt in my mind. Its absolutely gone.

Anything that makes me *this* unhappy is not worth sticking around for.

and I'm tired of crazy christians telling me I'm called here.

I'm not.

I'm not staying.

If you like it so much, you can stay.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

things you didn't ask me

but that I'm going to share anyway.

I have these compulsive desires to say completely inappropriate things [like 98% of the time].

when I am lonely, I like to read aloud to myself.

i hate being interrupted.

I probably think I'm smarter than you

I am surprisingly honest if asked the right questions, in the right sequence under the right circumstances.

my favorite type of omelet contains spinach and tomato

I am currently on the brink of moving into rural ohio [wtf?]

If Chicago were a man I would be deeply involved in a torrid love affair with him

if ever asked what I am thinking it is either something too painfully superficial or too philosophically self-indulgent. Neither are ever disclosed to the inquirer for those reasons.

I'm a little bit of a music snob, [food snob, snobby snob, etc.]

...But I love Journey and their 80s rock ballads.

I think everyone should read more

and I judge you if you watch a lot of television

I feel like in my old age [the twentythreeness] I am slowly but surely losing my ability to dance. //pop, lock...and drop it?//

I secretly think of lopping off my long hair. Because I think people like it too much.

I am going through a "prissy" phase [nails did, hair did...ALL the time] to compensate for the lack of sincere and meaningful relationships in my life right now.

Nobody really knows how much I hate my job.

And I have probably waited way too long for anything significant to come from this

Friday, May 9, 2008

it's been awhile.

i am happy today.

he makes me




Wednesday, May 7, 2008

btw i'm famous.

into the wild & eyes on the prize

i received into the wild today off my netflix queue

its about this overly-brilliant emory grad who after graduation decided he's had enough of modern society and all its "things." He burns all his identification [license, ss#, credit cards etc.] and sets out for the great unknown-to make his own adventure, I suppose. He burns all his remaining cash, parks his junker in the middle of nowhere, gets out and just walks.

the question i have and you may have,too, is why?

it seems a bit, well, MUCH. A little excessive, overboard you might say? But it's funny because these same words could be used to characterize our modern society, as well.

Now, you don't have to worry...I'm not gonna set out north to the great beyond.

But, I get it.
I know that we're apart of a generation [us and our into wild character, too]. we're cut from the same pale, bland stone. And we are desperately trying to figure out who we are and we take stabs at it occasionally. But we're only guessing. I feel strong, I mean I am strong. But how strong am I really? I am only as strong as my experiences and how difficult have they been? Some of us have been tested more than others and by no means am I trivializing anyone else's struggle.

But, as for an american living in the 21st century. how good have i got it? or really---how little have I been tested?

for those of you who don't know i'm a counselor
:::thank you, thank you no applause please, I do it for the kids:::
and during meal time we make the kids watch a video series on african-AMERICAN history because most of our kids are black and don't even know when black history month is [you probably don't know either]. And on a sidenote: Yes, its shameful and its all of our faults [but some people more than others]. Anyway, we make them watch because as masters of their reeducation we exercise supreme authority [or something].
Anyway, the clip today from the series featured the Black Panthers some badass motherfuckers who decided [among other things] that they would NOT idlely standby and watch an overwhelmingly white police force abuse their people and terrorize their neighborhoods.
As you can imagine this didn't sit well with police and many an altercation did end in bloodshed.
One such young soul...was only seventeen years old and lost his life in a breakout of violence. He was only 17. I say it again because it bares repeating. Did he know that the last cause he would stand for would take his life? Did he believe it was worth dying for? Did it even matter now that he was dead? What was his last thought as the bullet pierced his chest? Is this the ultimate kind of test?

I can imagine what I would die for. I would hope that in a situation I would choose correctly-rightly [whatever that is] but I don't really know. I don't think our young panther knew either. But I'd say he had considered the idea. I mean, considering the turbulent times of the day and being a young, black, angry, hopeful, [over]confident dreamer. You had to consider dying. Or consider living for something worth dying for [which ever way you look at it].

I just wonder in all our guessing, hypothesizing, estimating...are we even close to who we think we are. Or will our deepest fears be confirmed? That we are not even close to who we say we are-that we've missed the mark entirely.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

la poema

warning: if you're guy and you're immature and stupid and no one has told you about women's "icky parts" you probably won't be able to stomach this [cos' you're stupid].

to my womanhood:
i know that when a man loses his pride he is emasculated, but what of a woman and her pride? Is their no phrase for a woman and her pride which is equal if not more than a man's. can we not give it a word seperate from the man's

to my womanhood
I raise a cup
7 days worth of blood
more than a mans
seven times over
seven time the twelve months and the four seasons and the twelve years since my youth

to my woman-hood
the coiled hairs
my breasts
to the softest
parts of me

to the brittle nails and split ends...
to my womanhood
to the heights and depths of me
to my pride as my own
not rare, not unkind, merely mine.


someone asked me today...
what person in the bible would your character most resemble?

i don't really know was my response.

but i think...i was probably a minor prophet, one that nobody listened to until long after they had died.

or maybe i was Paul, something abhorred like a killer of Christians before his conversion and after?

made the most sense outta everybody.

not gentle, not tender, not what I expected

he's not good enough.

but whose good enough?

Monday, May 5, 2008

she works hard for the money

i don't know how everybody else feels...

but i cannot stand being work.

nobody cares about you or your ego so, just stick it back in your pocket.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

did we want it all?

yes, we wanted it all.


sometimes the most complicated people want the simplest things.

ALL the simple things.