Wednesday, December 24, 2008

not even the slightest

If there was a chance. There isn't any now.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

...damn kids

I am incredibly motivated and driven but I am also human and have good and bad days.

This was a bad one.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

happy thanksgiving



I pour out all the sand in my hand
And make beaches where oceans have met.
And if you bring your sandals then, I’ll tuck my boots in
we could prepare for our journey
yes you bring your eyes and I’ll bring my wit
we would be ready for anything.
But don’t forget your heart, babe.
We’ll need it for such a long trip
You’ll sweep the hair out my eyes
And I’ll kiss your lips
We would be ready for it all

Don’t get lost babe
I brought the map
From here to our happiness
Don’t get lost babe I said I brought the map
And X marks the spot.

My hands are open
My hands are cold
And you’d give the sun a run for its money
My heart is open
The world is so cold
And you’d give the sun a run for its money

Make the effort
Make the time
Fashion it in your hands
Go ahead, babe
Give it a try
Its not so hard to love

Its so easy
Why won’t you comply?
My eyes are so tired of crying
You say you’re not ready

No one ever is
It’s just life, babe
Give it a try.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

moving

New apartment and I don't have a bed...or a toaster...or a couch.
New apartment and I think its a pretty crappy one.
New apartment and I think I chose a crappy one just so I could say I had a crappy apartment one time before I moved up to the eastside...y'know like George & Weezy?
New apartment and how did I not notice the fridge wasn't clean or that the old school heater sounds like a rodent weeping?

I used to love new things. Trying something new [pre-graduation] was a bit like falling with a safety net. Trying something new after you graduate is about like falling and without the safety net you realize there's jagged rocks and alligators to break your fall.

New isn't fun & light anymore...like trying calamari before you found out it was squid.
Trying something new is like, fuck, did I pay my electric bill? Did I budget for groceries or did I eat out 12x last week?

Awwww...yes

"new."

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Kim is

not asking him to be perfect, but merely asking him to be present. all there.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

confession

i am willful and naive. bad combination.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

love...

can be so boring.

old and

rehearsed

a middle child

no sisters

so polite

so attentive

another gentleman

a fragrance that smells

so good

to him

again.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

hypnotized

and
i was surrounded by a language
in which i could say only

"hello"

and

"thank you very much"

but you spoke so I could understand...



-ani difranco

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

this is a non-worrying zone.

I need to stop worrying. I mean, we know the deal. Not one day is added to our lives by worrying...and yet that doesn't stop us.


What are we stupid or something?

Maybe its our need for control or our compulsive desire to examine and re-examine the outcomes and consequences of our actions and others.

But none of that matters.

Each day has enough trouble of its own without being fixated on things you can't change.

So, what are we gonna do?

We're not gonna worry about it.


[and when I say, "we" I mean, "me"]

Saturday, August 23, 2008

I have a new car!!!

Not the one I was describing in the previous post. Those crazy people at Nissan scrapped the deal with some funky numbers.

BUT I just got a sexxy brown 08 kia sportage. Her name is Coco. She is the younger, prettier half-sister of Tula, the 98 black jeep grand cherokee, I used to drive.

I love it. Its been a long time coming. I gotta go. I am gonna go drive it right now.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

stop the madness

so, I have this thing. where everything is greener..elsewhere. I am just about to buy a car. I am so close its disgusting. I have been looking consistently for about 2 months. I almost signed the papers on the deal. And I just freaked out and said I'd sleep on it. The car is beautiful--belleza. Completely. Its used-gotta clean carfax. Black-30,000 on the dash, gets good MPG.

Did I mention its gorgeous. I scoured the car for every little imperfection. I was meticulous. I think at one point I sat in the trunk. And while I was implementing my meticulous inspection I saw a married couple admiring my car.

I said, "Yeah, isn't it great? I'm picking it up tomorrow."
Even though I had doubts about it. I wanted no one else to have it. NO ONE.
So why not just buy it?

a little thing called commitment. what if i find something better? theres always something better somewhere. and i just can't accept that there's something better somewhere else and I don't have it.

a better car
a better job
a better boyfriend

i am constantly looking for the next best thing. i have blogged about this before so consider this the addendum. but could I really believe that what I have right now isn't the best but it makes me happy. That I could be this weird thing called, "content."

Sunday, August 3, 2008

i found this one.

its unfinished like every poem i write...

The difference between birds and stones.


I was a bird
light.
Spreading my ethereal and whimsy
with each press of my wing
I was the length of beauty
my own wingspan of capability
I was the beginning and end of all my possibilities
my hope carried me
And on endless dreams I soared
::edit::
I was a stone. Heavy and burdensome. I fell on the dream.
And under the weight/ crushed all its potential.
And turned it to dust.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

my theme song






This is the start of a journey.
And my mind is already gone
And though there are other unknowns
Somehow this doesn’t concern me.


But I’m going on
And I’m prepared to go it alone

new[ness

on the other side of that glum post.

i love the possibility of what could be. in fact, i like what could be better than what is.

i love interviews.
i love first dates.
i like the first day of school.
i like traveling to new places.
i love that first single of that new band


i love anticipating new and different things.

the possibilities and many outcomes.

so, on with the newness...

I have a job lined up here in Cleveland but I am also straddling the possibility of being in Chicago and taking my friend's former position. I could do it. I could love it as I already love Chicago. And it could be great. We'll see..

we are the same.

you & me.

we're the same.

we're strong.

we are the same strong.

we are cut from the same stone.

and we feel the weight of our lives.

but it does not crush us.

we will not die.

i left my job yesterday. not abruptly, it was 4 weeks coming. and if we want to get specific-it was longer than that.
but i left my children, too. my precious children. I had been there almost a year and I had seen many come & go.
And I did not think I'd feel this way. But these kids burrowed their way into my heart.

And I must say I got a little choked up. I think things like this hit me until the very end. I had 4 weeks to let go and it still hurts. I love my kids and I will miss them very much. I just didn't know how much.

Monday, July 7, 2008

waiting

I have been reading this book called waiting. I borrowed it from my friend Glenn. It just about jumped out at me amidst the cluttered bookshelf filled with borrowed, stolen, free and a few bought books.

He asked me, "Are you waiting for something?"

He was joking, but he was right. He IS right.
I am waiting.

I rarely read a book that speaks to EXACTLY to my situation.

but its does.

its saying some radical things to me about how happiness is a gift and not a guarantee.

and i can't imagine anything better than my own manufactured happiness.
Even if God wanted to give me something more.
I think I trust myself more which is horrific conclusion to come to since I have been a self-professed Christian since age five.

I am in a wretched place simply because I feel when I picked up that book...I really picked up a mirror and its a rotten image I see...

Sunday, June 1, 2008

we were wrong

...so unbelievably wrong.


and you're okay with that.

i don't know if i ever will be.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

heart explosion

i feel like my heart's going to explode and my insurance doesn't really cover that...

Monday, May 26, 2008

one week

after this week i'll feel so much better...
or so much worse.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

mas

my newest love




meet asha ali

things change.

Is it customary to feel like this?

I feel like my heart is about to burst.

I don't want to make it any more than it is.

But we can feel it in us.

Moving around-swimming in our souls.

something meaningful and weighty.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Did you see me?
It was me driving off
I pretended I didn’t see you
I wanted you to see my back
The shape I take as I leave you
And go toward my own ambitions, hopes and dreams
This is me leaving you.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

completely and utterly resolved

after a great and lengthy pity party. I am utterly resolved. Anyone he knows me *knows* I hate being here. Further, if you know me you *know* that my heart is in Chicago.


And that's where I'm going.
If there was any doubt in my mind. Its absolutely gone.

Anything that makes me *this* unhappy is not worth sticking around for.

and I'm tired of crazy christians telling me I'm called here.

I'm not.

I'm not staying.

If you like it so much, you can stay.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

things you didn't ask me

but that I'm going to share anyway.

I have these compulsive desires to say completely inappropriate things [like 98% of the time].

when I am lonely, I like to read aloud to myself.

i hate being interrupted.

I probably think I'm smarter than you

I am surprisingly honest if asked the right questions, in the right sequence under the right circumstances.

my favorite type of omelet contains spinach and tomato

I am currently on the brink of moving into rural ohio [wtf?]

If Chicago were a man I would be deeply involved in a torrid love affair with him

if ever asked what I am thinking it is either something too painfully superficial or too philosophically self-indulgent. Neither are ever disclosed to the inquirer for those reasons.

I'm a little bit of a music snob, [food snob, snobby snob, etc.]

...But I love Journey and their 80s rock ballads.

I think everyone should read more

and I judge you if you watch a lot of television

I feel like in my old age [the twentythreeness] I am slowly but surely losing my ability to dance. //pop, lock...and drop it?//

I secretly think of lopping off my long hair. Because I think people like it too much.


I am going through a "prissy" phase [nails did, hair did...ALL the time] to compensate for the lack of sincere and meaningful relationships in my life right now.

Nobody really knows how much I hate my job.


And I have probably waited way too long for anything significant to come from this

Friday, May 9, 2008

it's been awhile.

i am happy today.

he makes me

so

incredibly

happy.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

btw i'm famous.

http://blackgirllonghair.blogspot.com

into the wild & eyes on the prize

i received into the wild today off my netflix queue

its about this overly-brilliant emory grad who after graduation decided he's had enough of modern society and all its "things." He burns all his identification [license, ss#, credit cards etc.] and sets out for the great unknown-to make his own adventure, I suppose. He burns all his remaining cash, parks his junker in the middle of nowhere, gets out and just walks.

the question i have and you may have,too, is why?

it seems a bit, well, MUCH. A little excessive, overboard you might say? But it's funny because these same words could be used to characterize our modern society, as well.

Now, you don't have to worry...I'm not gonna set out north to the great beyond.

But, I get it.
I know that we're apart of a generation [us and our into wild character, too]. we're cut from the same pale, bland stone. And we are desperately trying to figure out who we are and we take stabs at it occasionally. But we're only guessing. I feel strong, I mean I am strong. But how strong am I really? I am only as strong as my experiences and how difficult have they been? Some of us have been tested more than others and by no means am I trivializing anyone else's struggle.

But, as for me...as an american living in the 21st century. how good have i got it? or really---how little have I been tested?

for those of you who don't know i'm a counselor
:::thank you, thank you no applause please, I do it for the kids:::
and during meal time we make the kids watch a video series on african-AMERICAN history because most of our kids are black and don't even know when black history month is [you probably don't know either]. And on a sidenote: Yes, its shameful and its all of our faults [but some people more than others]. Anyway, we make them watch because as masters of their reeducation we exercise supreme authority [or something].
Anyway, the clip today from the series featured the Black Panthers some badass motherfuckers who decided [among other things] that they would NOT idlely standby and watch an overwhelmingly white police force abuse their people and terrorize their neighborhoods.
As you can imagine this didn't sit well with police and many an altercation did end in bloodshed.
One such young soul...was only seventeen years old and lost his life in a breakout of violence. He was only 17. I say it again because it bares repeating. Did he know that the last cause he would stand for would take his life? Did he believe it was worth dying for? Did it even matter now that he was dead? What was his last thought as the bullet pierced his chest? Is this the ultimate kind of test?

I can imagine what I would die for. I would hope that in a situation I would choose correctly-rightly [whatever that is] but I don't really know. I don't think our young panther knew either. But I'd say he had considered the idea. I mean, considering the turbulent times of the day and being a young, black, angry, hopeful, [over]confident dreamer. You had to consider dying. Or consider living for something worth dying for [which ever way you look at it].

I just wonder in all our guessing, hypothesizing, estimating...are we even close to who we think we are. Or will our deepest fears be confirmed? That we are not even close to who we say we are-that we've missed the mark entirely.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

la poema

warning: if you're guy and you're immature and stupid and no one has told you about women's "icky parts" you probably won't be able to stomach this [cos' you're stupid].

to my womanhood:
i know that when a man loses his pride he is emasculated, but what of a woman and her pride? Is their no phrase for a woman and her pride which is equal if not more than a man's. can we not give it a word seperate from the man's

to my womanhood
I raise a cup
full
7 days worth of blood
more than a mans
seven times over
seven time the twelve months and the four seasons and the twelve years since my youth

to my woman-hood
the coiled hairs
my breasts
to the softest
smelliest
parts of me

to the brittle nails and split ends...
to my womanhood
to the heights and depths of me
to my pride as my own
not rare, not unkind, merely mine.

bibble

someone asked me today...
what person in the bible would your character most resemble?

i don't really know was my response.

but i think...i was probably a minor prophet, one that nobody listened to until long after they had died.

or maybe i was Paul, something abhorred like a killer of Christians before his conversion and after?

made the most sense outta everybody.

not gentle, not tender, not what I expected

he's not good enough.

but whose good enough?

Monday, May 5, 2008

she works hard for the money

i don't know how everybody else feels...

but i cannot stand being disrespected...by men...at work.


nobody cares about you or your ego so, just stick it back in your pocket.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

did we want it all?

yes, we wanted it all.

---------------------------

sometimes the most complicated people want the simplest things.

ALL the simple things.

Monday, April 14, 2008

what about your friends?

in the prophetic words of TLC...

i haven't got many these days...

well, at home anyway.

it seems so bizarre that i would have to pick up the phone and dial another area code to hear the voice of someone who remotely knows me.

in a lot of ways seeing an old friend is like seeing a mirror. you almost forget certain parts of you until you see your reflection again.

for my birthday i went to chicago and we were out at my favorite diner for some late nite eats... i ordered a tuna sandwich and ending up picking off half the stuff that was on it and poked and prodded it with a fork until it was almost unrecognizable.

my friend steph remarked, "i almost forgot how awkward of an eater you are."

"what?!", i responded. all this time i had thought my awkward eating habits were a new occurence some horrible symptom of post-graduate blues but noooooooooooo...

i've always been an awkward eater.

this isn't new ... it just feels new because there isn't anyone to witness it and say, "are you kidding me? remember when you used to make those disgusting wraps at SAGA?"

this note isn't so much about my horribly awkward eating habits as its about people who...TRULY know you and all your absurd little quirks and then moving to a place where nobody knows you...nobody knows you at all...

Sunday, April 13, 2008

sunday morning

i was prophesied over at church today.

it was the most sincere and legitimate thing someone has said to me...in months.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

god bless cleveland

i went to the lake today.

it was beige.

Friday, April 11, 2008

the big q

a very big question on my mind these days when it comes to women and their respective men is...

what are we going to endure?

what are we going to take?
how much can we stand?

what can we tolerate?

what-are-the-deal-breakers?

skipping stones

you wanted to show me how great you were

and i wanted to show you myself.